How can a single mother get her college grad son, who lives at home, help pay the mortgage?

My son has live rent free with me for the last 5 years or so. I have asked him to help me pay the Mortgage this year. He has a job that pays him $20 an hour. I have asked him for $650. He is furious with me. He gave me $400 twice then, $500 once and now he has refused to give me anything this month. I don't want a battle with him every month.





I am thinking that I have caused some of his problems by not allowing him to feel the financial hardships of life. He should be making much more money by now, but he has never had to get a well paying job because he doesn't feel the hardship of the house expenses. He is very smart and a incredible artist, he could be making 3x the money therefor living a much life.


Why is it that my love and understanding hasn't gotten me the respect that I deserve from him?





I feel that divorce is hard on the children. My kids were 19 and 21 when we were divorced. He has finally started spending time with his father after several years of being pretty distant.How can a single mother get her college grad son, who lives at home, help pay the mortgage?
You can do what my parents did. You don't get to stay if you aren't paying your way in some form or fashion. Could be the groceries, cable, or phone bill or part of the rent. Once school was over there was no more free stuff. It's time for him to be moving out anyway so he can pay you 4 or 5 hundred or he can pay it to someone else along with the rest of his utilities.How can a single mother get her college grad son, who lives at home, help pay the mortgage?
19 and 21 year old people are not ';children';. Yes, it's not fun seeing your parents divorce, but honey, it's time to cut the apron strings. You've been babying your son way too long- and from your question, I think you see that, too. Give him a choice- either help with the bills or get out. Then stick to your ultimatum. He's got a good thing- he's not going to give it up voluntarily. You can't spend the rest of your life letting your son sponge off of you. You raised him already- it's time for him to leave the nest. So what if it takes a little push from you to help him ';fly';.
In a very similar situation, I finally told my grown adult son that it was time for him to start taking care of himself and that I wanted him to get his own place to live. He was shocked that mom would say that but it woke him up. He was out of my house in just a few days. It took him six months on his own to figure out how to take care of himself. He did not speak to me during that time. We are on very good terms now and he is doing fine.





Please don't keep yourself on a guilt trip for the divorce - that is past history. Sure, divorce is always hard on the kids no matter what their age. That does not make you a doormat.
Make him move out and pay for his own home. He will appreciate your generosity when it is no longer available. You should of made him pay his way long ago.
You know, the guilty parent psychology profile is a waste of time. When Junior wants to pay, he will pay. Until then...KICK HIM OUT.
IMHO as a parent who has been through similar issues, you need to ask him to either pay up or move out. You also need to be ready to back it up. It sounds as if you feel somewhat guilty for divorcing his father and perhaps may be trying to make up for it by letting him stay rent free. The truth is he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet to be a contributing member of society. You're not doing him any favors letting him take advantage of you. You feel used and disrespected. He will eventually resent you for not encouraging him to stand on his own. Do both of you a favor and help him become the man you know he can be. He'll thank you in the long run.
Hindsight is 20/20. Maybe you spoiled him a bit too much. Be firm with him Tell him to pay or move. Give him a deadline on the day of month to pay rent and if he doesn't pay, start packing his things and give him the number to a local storage rental. He might move. Get the ';divorce is hard on kids'; out of your mind. It is a lot harder on us women and better for the kids not to have to go through listening to the bickering and feeling the tension.Good Luck!
time for you to cut the apron string and let sunny boy know that living off mom is no longer an option.


tell him that he either pays 650.00 due on the first or he has got move out!!!


HE CAN ONLY GET AWAY WITH WHAT YOU ALLOW HIM TO GET AWAY WITH!!!


DO NOT GIVE HIM AN OPTION. IT'S 650. OR TIME TO PACK UP AN GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


he is an adult and now has adult responsibilities.
Grow up %26amp; let him..... Kick his a** out.
Say what?....kick him outta there asap
You bargained for what you are getting.
I think you hit the nail on th head when you said that you feel divorce is hard on the children. You're guilt over the difficulties and subsequent divorce have made you relax the necessary boundaries that all children need. A parents love will shine no matter what boundaries and consequences you set for your children. You son has learned to manipulate your guilt in such a way that he's hoping you will just give up if he puts up a fuss. Think back it's kind of like when he was younger and you told him no. I'm sure you've seen a few tantrums in your time. You said it yourself and I'm sure he knows that you don't want to fight with him. So don't. Age is not a sign of maturity it's how one handles the responsibilities of life that brings forth maturity. Although he won't like the boundaries you set it is important for you to maintain the role of parent and thus set consequences for his behaviors. My suggestion would be to make up a housing/utility contract for him just as if you had a tenant living with you. Let him know in no certain terms that he will have to sign and abide by the contract or you will give him 30 days in which to find a new place for him to move into. Make sure the contract spells out that if at any time he is not on time with payments the same consequences apply. If he won't agree then you have no choice. A hard one at that but necessary if he is to grow and be responsible.





Trust in your instincts your answers are already posted you just have to find the courage to remember he's not your son and he's old enough to shoulder his own mistakes and responsibilities.
He is an adult and you are an adult, it is time for you to stop babying him, It is time for him to be a MAN, be direct and tell him the mortgage is due on....you get paid on ........., I want your half of the mortgage by ..... of each month, if this is not acceptable to you, look for someplace else to live before ........, and you will love him no matter what he decision is --to pay or move. Be a mother and teach him to be a man, he will appreciate it in the long run and thank you some day.


He may be upset with you at first, but that will pass.


Mother's often have a difficult time kicking the adult out of the nest. You are doing him no favors by letting him use you.
Tell the lazy kid that he starts paying rent on the first of the month, figure out what a comparable rent would be and charge him that much. I assume he is getting Room and Board, so don't forget to add that in. Tell him its either that, or he finds somewhere else to live.
He's a grown-butt man. Tell him to help his mother out or get out of your house. He was 19 or 21 when you got a divorce and it was hard on him?! Please. Time to grow up. Unless he has a mental condition, but that would prevent him from making $20 and hour, right? $650.month? And I bet you cook and wash his clothes too. Charge that freeloader $650 plus $10 an hour for all the work you do for him. And what about food. Freeloaders never eat cheaply. Are you buying groceries for his selfish butt too? Make him sign his paycheck over to you and you give him an allowance.
You're being an enabler.





Spell it out for him - real world living and expenses have to be carried.





Time for him to grow up and either help pay his way, or look in the newspaper for an apartment of his own (with all of the lovely expenses that come with renting).
HI EVERYONE!!





I am the individual who inspired this advice column :) yes, that's me the BA$TARD son who doesn't want to pay his mother rent. well let me just start by thanking everyone for all their profound feedback, it is truly appreciated and i enjoy hearing other people's opinion, even if they only know one half of the story. Now my mother conveniently omitted a few details about our situation so let me clarify a few things...





First of all, my mother has a long history of being verbally, physically and psychology abusive. That’s one of many reasons why my dad divorced her! Incidentally the only person who is still affected by this failed marriage appears to be my mother and while everyone else has moved on with their lives, badmouthing my father and his new family continues to be her favorite subject to this very day! To be perfectly frank, the rest of us are all grateful that this particular marriage was ended when it was and i find it amusing that she believes it has affected myself and others in a traumatic manner because we all felt extremely relieved when it was finally over. the only form of trauma i have endured from this divorce is my mother's incessant b*tching that i have been forced to listen to for the last upmteen years...





So believe me when I say this, if I could financially afford to live somewhere else I would move out in a heartbeat!!! Fortunately I have found someone who is willing to invest in a condo with me and for those who are wondering, yes I have been actively searching for a place to live for a long time but as many educated ppl know the real estate market in Los Angeles has been insane. And for those who are familiar with the concept of the “Strapped Generation” you are aware then that this is the worst job and economic climate since the Great Depression. I have friends who make over twice my salary and many of these individuals live with their siblings and parents b/c the market and other economic factors in SoCal (like $4 gasoline) have forced them into a lifestyle that i consider just above poverty level conditions. Unless you make $100+k per year in L.A. buying a home is not a viable option, and anyone who elects to rent is just an idiot without a clue





Now my mother failed to address the fact that she has been living off alimony payments and credit cards for about 12 years and has not looked for a job in over 30 years despite the fact that she continues to accrue more debt as each week goes by. My mother likes to scream at me “Be a man! Take responsibility and pay your mother rent!” Well that’s fine and dandy but how about leading by example and taking control of your own financial problems in the mean time? When I try to ask her in a civilized manner what steps she is taking to seek employment, eliminate her credit card debt, plan her retirement or pay off the principal on her mortgage her response is always “That’s none of your f*cking business!” I ask my mother for virtually nothing. I buy my own food. i do my own laundry. i am constantly performing repairs and buying items to give her place more value. I have calculated the actual cost for me living with her and it is just over $150 (the mortgage is under her name, I don’t consider that my personal liability) and this includes cable, internet access, phone service etc. I have itemized all my bills and presented them to my mother to show her how little I have left over each month. my mother on the other hand refuses to reveal her expenses or auxiliary income. I asked her several times how she arrived at $650 per month for rent and she is evasive and simply responds by changing the subject or launching personal attacks, name calling and bashing my father (what he has to do with anything I have no idea). When I ask her how she plans to apply the $650 toward these unspecified expenses her response has been “That’s none of your godd*mn business! I'll spend your money however i want to! if i want to use it to go out and party with my friends i will!'; Well excuse me for inquiring, unlike some people who sit at home all day talking on the phone and watching television I work extremely hard for a living. With this in mind, is it so much to request from the person who doesn’t work one hour a year how she plans on distributing my income? I have worked hard in school, I work hard at work, I have taken the time to plan my future, I’m paying off my student loans and other debt and saving money for retirement. My mother has not shown an inkling of interest in any of these important topics or being financially responsible in general, handing a check for more money then she actually needs every month so she doesn’t have to look for a job in my opinion is enabling her bad habits, not reinforcing mine.





Now I noticed a few people mentioned that I’m “lazy” and have no concept of how much living expenses cost. On the contrary, in 2003 I started my own screen printing business and I was working 18 hour days, 7 days a week. Sometimes I worked 40 hours straight without sleep. Despite my efforts the business never turned a profit and I was left with less then $5 dollars in the bank. I was forced to take the first job that was offered to me which paid minimum wage with no benefits. Considering I was making 40k a year with full benefits when I was 21 this was a harsh reality to face. I WORKED through it though, and now 3 years later I have a key position at an entertainment company. And while my mother thinks that I should be making triple what I am now, she has no concept or appreciation of how competitive this industry is or how hard you have to work to survive in this world b/c she has been dependent on others to support her lifestyle for many, many years.





And on that note, I am sure many of you think that I am still a worthless ba$tard (and you are probably right) but hey, you gotta give me some credit for being a contributing member of society and tolerating a landlord who operates like a human sloth, lives in a constant state of denial and sees absolutely no value in doing something productive with their lives, proving once again ignorance truly is bliss...





Enjoy the day!!
I have sons and one of them is also an ';incredible artist';!! =) It would be real hard to kick a son out!





I assume you have had the sincere 'heart to heart' conversations with him. The one where you say...';You know I love you and want you here, but I need help..etc.';





I'm assuming money is the issue here. If finances are tough, well he is a ';big boy'; and perhaps you could help find him a nice little apartment. That's not like kicking him out....it's helping him out! He could afford it and could get a roommate, too.





Another possibility is that you could move into a smaller place...a one bedroom! He could live in the same complex and visit every now and then.





My son, the artist, moved to LA...clear across the country! I see him once or twice a year! Sometimes, I wish he were still at home! I miss him so.





If money is not a problem and you are just annoyed, well, his companionship is worth something. I know most people don't agree with this thinking, but if he helps around the house, does some yard work, makes you feel safer...all of that means something.





This is about relationship. You love your son and he loves you...don't do anything rash. It's not always about money...unless, of course, money is really tight. If you're suffering, financially...it slants everythng.
I know it hard but you gotta have tough love.... he's old enough by now to be out on his own...so write up a lease and rent make him sign it and you sign it....make sure you put on there how much rent you want from him to cover his share of mortgage,electric(gas too if you have gas)....and food unless he buys his own....if he doesn't pay then his chooses to move out....and follow through with it...if he doesn't pay have him evicted....if he doesn't even sign the papers then tell him he is to move out and give him a guideline..... if you don't he'll be living with you rent free for rest of your life Good Luck....Single mother myself but my kids are only 10,11. And they have their chores around the house....
You need to show tough love and tell him he needs to start helping out or to get his own place then that will show him the hardship of life.
Deliver an ultimatum: Help out or get out





He is an adult and your son. If he knows you need help, then as a son, he should help you or he needs to start acting like an adult and live on his own.
Adult children should not live at home. They don't really mature and grow up while living with mommy or daddy. I think you need to show your son your costs of living. Tell him that since he's an adult he could move out and get an apartment OR he could pay you some rent (which would probably be cheaper for him). If he doesn't want to chip in for household expenses, he should consider moving out and getting a place of his own. Tell him you believe he is not growing up and taking adult responsibilities if he thinks it's insulting to have to help you with some rent monies. He is using your water, sewer, electric and tv services, too, right? Tell him he has to help with costs or move. You'll be helping him even if he moves. He'll grow up and appreciate what you did later.
Tell him to either pay rent or get the hell out.
You have a leech. Kick him out and get a housemate that pays the bills with you. My aunt and uncle are in their late sixties, and their 46 year old son is still living with them because they don't have the heart to make him leave. It's creepy, and totally unhealthy. Make him grow up quickly by taking responsibility for his life. He can't do that living with mom, whether paying half the mortgage or not...just my opinion.
I think you should kick him out of the house. Sometimes tough love is the best love. Your kids were grown when you got a divorce. Trust me, they are responsible for their own behavior now. They don't get to blame ';the divorce';. For christmas sakes, they weren't five years old. He has his education and now he's got to fly......on up out of your house so you can get another man in there!
Tell him that rent will be $650 on the first of every month for the privilege of living there for that month. Anytime he has not paid by the 5th of that month, he will come home to find the locks changed and his stuff on the porch and he will not receive a new key until the rent is paid. Then follow through. There should be no battle. Set the limits and then follow through with it. If he doesn't pay, the locks get changed. No discussion, no arguments, no fighting. When you receive a check, you can give him a key.





Or better yet, you can give him 30 days to move out and let his financial attitudes be someone else's problem. Then, on the 30th day, change the locks and put all his stuff on the porch.





Whichever method you choose, put it in writing and date it. By law in most states, 30 days is sufficient time to evict someone, and 5 days late is sufficent for temporary lock-outs until rent money is received.
Well, the lesson that you've taught your son is that it's okay to be a free-loader. And to dishonor you in the process by ';refusing'; to pay for his room and board is rude, thoughtless, and does nothing but cause you heartache and teaches him nothing at all. There should be no battle at all. Either he pays his room and board or he leaves your home with your best wishes. You cannot take responsibility for your son's attitude, but you can take responsibility for yourself by not allowing a person who lives with you to disrespect you. It will not be easy to do this. He will be angry with you. He may be angry with you for a long time. But, he will come around with a new respect for you and for all that you have done for him. And he will gain great wisdom from this. You are doing him no favors by allowing him to stay under these circumstances. Bless him and send him on into the world.
Most people don't even make 20 an hour and they take care of everything . You didn't teach the little brat much did you . You spoiled the hell out of him that's not love .
Well give him the boot ~ If he can't help out he would learn real fast giving his mom money is easier than paying rent, lights,phone and the list goes on!!





I would type up a payment book for him and tell him if he doesn't understand your sure he will real quick when his but is on his own!!!! And make him leave!!





Give can only give our kids roots so they are strong ~and wings so they can FLY!!!!!!!
Well....The bottom line is you just have to be FIRM with him.





Spell it out for him if you have too...Tell him what you expect him to contribute. Explain that if he were to live out on his own or with some roomies 1-it wont be easy 2-it will def. be more expensive.





**If that doen't work : Cut the good stuff from home.


1-cable


2-yummy snacks


3-internet


4-No more washing clothes at home


(Have him go to the laundry mat / dry cleaners)


5-If he has a fish tank / oor anything else that requires


constant electricity - Tell him he can't have it anymore.


**************************************…





All of this might work.....but again it is up to you %26amp; how youo handle it.





My mom never had to ask me for rent $....b/c i new and respected the value of helping out. But for me it started with my 1st job at 15. My parents were divorced since i was 2. My mom was a single mom for as long as i can remb.





HOPE IT WORKS OUT!!!!!!!





if not.....then





Try lowering his rent a little.